Hello, January 2011

It's the time of the year I feel new. Every thing has been reseted, start a new.

I've decided that it is time to get back to writing again this year. Apart from a lot of things that is happening in my life right now (which I will fill you in later), the reality is that the will to write and time to allow myself to explore my imagination is now unfortunately rare.

This reality hit me like an eighteen-wheeler when I was given a task to do a simple write-up of my church's Christmas carnival. The dateline was 12th January and I struggled through the writing process until the 9th January. Even that I had my pastor to check what I've written and I am embarrassed at the silly mistakes I made in the article.

As I wondered, I was not able to recall the last time I actually pen my thoughts. And since this blog has been accumulating dust, guess it's a good time to start.

Tonight is one of those rare nights where I get inspired by listening to Josh Groban and reading some thought provoking quotes by C.S Lewis, Elisabeth Elliot and John Piper. Again, I don't remember the last time I had so much of inspiration to express in writing and in speech.

However, since this is my first post in the year of 2011, I will fill you in on what's been happening in my life.

I got a new job. (Yay!)

I am not sure how many of you know, the reason for the birth of this blog was a result of a careless practice on freedom of speech. It was foolish and it had cost me my previous job as a kindergarten teacher. Sure, I have hated the management there, but it was foolish of me not to practice self-control and let it spill all over the world wide web for everyone to see.

Anyway.

For some time I was afraid of going back to work. The job in the kindergarten was just a glimpse of corporate and I hated it. Hence, I've been battling with myself to find something that is not corporate and having this very idealistic, if not, unrealistic idea of doing things I totally love doing, like ministry, or photography. I thought it is time. I still believe there is a place for that to happen perhaps later in my life, but then, God has other plans.

As I wait for the right time and the right door to open, I was working in church as a casual worker with very minimal pay. And God is good by giving my leaders like my both my pastors to knock some sense into my head when I needed it. There were things in my own life that I need to sort out, some attitudes and character flaws that needed correction and my pastors have very tactfully yet firmly conveyed them to me.

So August last year I have decided to send my resumes out, hoping to get interviews for jobs. It was a scary a ride as the thought of going corporate still scares me. Committing the job interviews to God, for Him to help me know which job to take on, I went for a few here and there and simply to cut the long story short, I got a job with a local stock photography company. Though the job description for me has very little to do with being creatively involved, instead, it is more on the selling aspect.

I took the job as the job came at the right time and I acknowledged that as a proof of God's faithfulness in providence. I admit, there were days I dread going to work because of the nature of the job, which is actually cold calling. I persevered simply because this is God's will for me to have this job.

Somehow, in the days where I dread going to work yet I completed my quota day by day, without any complains to my superior. God's favour was all over me, I have also gain favour among my superiors. To cut the long story short again, God has enabled me to skip two steps up in position and was given a good increment in just 4 months in the job.

I couldn't have done it if it's not for God.

This has been such a good start to the new year, to which I look forward with God's loving guidance and that I would not allow anymore fear to hold me back from taking that step of faith. A friend once taught me to ask myself this question before taking that step of faith- "What is there to lose, anyway?" Come to think of it, what is there to lose, anyway? What could be the worst thing that could happen? For us as Christians, we are assured of God's leading and that ALL things work out for the good for those who love Him. So what if it's not the right way? The Bible says to trust in Him and lean not on our own understanding and He will make our paths straight. It is better than staying stagnant, paralyzed by fear and not even making that step at all.

I hope you, whoever you are reading this will have a great year ahead. :)

Straight-Forward Simplicity

This blog has been very depressing with the picture of the pair of shoes and my sad, sad entries. I think monkeys can cry reading this. I apologize.

Just a random thought. Only recently I realize that I am actually very straight-forward in my thinking. Simple-minded and naive.

I noticed this through conversations I have with my friends who are in the political scene as journalists or directly involved with politicians.

You see, I often take comments and statements as it is. Whether the person may have a different connotation or that he/she insults indirectly, I'll not get it. I don't seem to be able to twist and turn what was said and analyzing it right at the spot. Even if I do, it confuses me or I simply dismisses it.

That's why I often find myself in situations where I am caught unaware and sometimes being manipulated.

I guess that's why I find the working world out there, especially office politics so very confusing, wicked and cunning. Something I am not able to bring myself to face because I am simply too simple.

Another thought that comes with this thought- As Christians, we are in the world and not of the world, are we also to understand and read conversations between the lines and manoeuver our way to success? What does it takes to out-smart such situations?

Is this all part of growing up and growing out of straight-forward simplicity of life?

Truth Saturday

Sometimes I don't like the way I act.

Coming to the age of 23 this year, I often find myself in situations where my feelings go against my values. As in, I know I am not supposed to act in such a way in a situation but I can't help displaying immaturity (Eeek!). It's almost like another person inside of me whom I don't like.

The funny thing is, I am conscious about what's going on. About the way I act and know that it's not right to act that way while I am acting it. And sometimes, I don't know how to not feel that way.

I admit, sometimes I allow myself to dwell on it. It feels good for a while, and I will regret it like crazy later.

My question is, how do you put on a smiley face when you don't feel like it? How do you face up to people you don't like and act like you're still buddies with them? How to not feel the way you feel and feel the way you should feel?

Is it just me being an ENFP or it's something I am ought to change because I am an ENFP?

Oh God, teach me how to act more and more like Jesus everyday.

Growing Up

How do I display maturity in tough situations, when things seem to be unfair, hurtful and heartbreaking?

I am going to turn 23 and I still can't seem to get it right.

Messed Up

I needed to cry.

Jesus, hold me now.

Finally Feeling It

Reality is sinking in, ruthless and cruel. I've done all I can, but the facts and figures spoke for themselves.

Still I trust in Your unfailing love. You have been good to me.

If I Could Change One Thing in My Past...

Have you ever come across that question?

I gave it a good thought tonight, as I am not able to sleep and the time is 3am. Quiet nights give me a clear head, sometimes.

Is there anything to change? Let's examine my past first.

One of the most significant events in the past happened in Form 4 and 5. The things that happened in that 2 years have really altered a lot of things today.

I was going through a weird time, stuck between being a teenager and wanting to have freedom like an adult would have. Having to face up with the SPM exams while teachers are working very hard to prepare the students, I appeared to be least interested in a class filled with elite students. Always failing my papers and getting myself into a lot of trouble with my parents.

The kind of trouble I was in doesn't just involve my studies. I was at a all-time-low spiritually with God. Got into situations that compromised moral standards and Godly values, I was in the gutter, quite literally.

But God was faithful. He still is. It was that time I cried out to Him. Like, literally CRIED. And He was faithful and gracious. I know He was the only who can save me.

The things that I've gone through that time shaped me to be who I am today, positively. I used to think and say that I stopped "growing up" since 16. Now looking back as a 22-year-old, I was wrong. He made me go through it for a reason, and coming out of it victorious sure marks a milestone and a story to tell of His goodness and faithfulness.

If He hadn't allow all that, I will have NOTHING to glorify God with.

Back to that question- "If you could change one thing in your past, what would it be?"

I'd say confidently,full of conviction. "Nothing."

Simple Pleasures of Life

I enjoy having a nice cup of coffee while I curl on the sofa with a good book.

I enjoy writing into a notebook with a good gel pen.

I love my quiet time with God.

Discussing political issues stimulates my mind.

I enjoy getting to know a person deeper and understand how they truly feel about an issue without having to judge them superficially.

I enjoy having passengers in my car and sing along to a familiar songs while I drive.

I enjoy singing on top of my lungs while driving.

I enjoy good conversations while driving.

Actually. I really enjoy driving. ;)

Stalking people on FB is fun. I often find things that surprises me.

I enjoy laughing to good lame jokes. Not the seriously lame ones, though.

I enjoy telling lame jokes and observe the look on their faces.

I enjoy talking silly things and laughing with my parents and siblings.

I enjoy a long hot shower after a long day at work.

I enjoy knowing and experiencing different cultures.

I enjoy reading random articles on Wikipedia.

I honestly enjoy... my life. My life itself is a proof of God's faithfulness, grace and goodness. :)