Not Ought To

Worship practice is at 2pm and I have no songs ready at 12pm.

I am not in the right state of mind to think.

Due to my own negligence, I now drive with an expired road-tax. In fear or any police/JPJ roadblocks.

I want to lose my temper and break things, but that's not right to do and I am not ought to do it.

What I feel like doing doesn't necessary go with what I am ought to do, and at the same time I want to do what I am ought to do, I just don't feel like doing what I am ought to do and go ahead without hesitation to do what I am not ought to do.

And now I really want to do is cry and hide a hole where no one will find me.

Truth Saturday

Sometimes I don't like the way I act.

Coming to the age of 23 this year, I often find myself in situations where my feelings go against my values. As in, I know I am not supposed to act in such a way in a situation but I can't help displaying immaturity (Eeek!). It's almost like another person inside of me whom I don't like.

The funny thing is, I am conscious about what's going on. About the way I act and know that it's not right to act that way while I am acting it. And sometimes, I don't know how to not feel that way.

I admit, sometimes I allow myself to dwell on it. It feels good for a while, and I will regret it like crazy later.

My question is, how do you put on a smiley face when you don't feel like it? How do you face up to people you don't like and act like you're still buddies with them? How to not feel the way you feel and feel the way you should feel?

Is it just me being an ENFP or it's something I am ought to change because I am an ENFP?

Oh God, teach me how to act more and more like Jesus everyday.

Growing Up

How do I display maturity in tough situations, when things seem to be unfair, hurtful and heartbreaking?

I am going to turn 23 and I still can't seem to get it right.

Messed Up

I needed to cry.

Jesus, hold me now.

Still

I have to learn to keep my mouth shut.

I'm a Weird Girl.

I think I am, at least.

I'm one of those weird girls who reads the news, gets exited assembling/fixing a computer problem, prefers t-shirts and jeans than to skirts and dresses, talk technical when it comes to photography and desires to travel to third-world countries to learn new cultures and for ministry. I don't club nor mix around in that circle and live a wild, partying life.

Have you met any other girl like me? Well, I haven't.

Some girls have so much confidence in them they can put on whatever they want and look stunning. They don't keep abreast with the happenings in the political arena nor they know how to handle a computer breakdown but they don't care as much. They don't necessarily like photography now knows how to use a camera but they look beautiful in photos.

They change boyfriends like changing clothes, and I wonder why am I still single.

It seems childish to think like that. I admit, it is undeniably childish and I don't know why I am entertaining these thoughts.

I am praying tonight, that I know deep in me that he made me different because there is a reason and a purpose and a call for who I am about. I should accept that in a great way in God and believe for the fruitfulness that comes. Let me be weird, at least I am I rooted in Christ and have my identity anchored and found in Him and Him alone.

Gonna go sleep it off now. Good night.

Finally Feeling It

Reality is sinking in, ruthless and cruel. I've done all I can, but the facts and figures spoke for themselves.

Still I trust in Your unfailing love. You have been good to me.

Avoid

I'm not making any resolutions this year because 80% of what I've set last year still needs to be fulfilled.

And I feel like crap.