Not Ought To

Worship practice is at 2pm and I have no songs ready at 12pm.

I am not in the right state of mind to think.

Due to my own negligence, I now drive with an expired road-tax. In fear or any police/JPJ roadblocks.

I want to lose my temper and break things, but that's not right to do and I am not ought to do it.

What I feel like doing doesn't necessary go with what I am ought to do, and at the same time I want to do what I am ought to do, I just don't feel like doing what I am ought to do and go ahead without hesitation to do what I am not ought to do.

And now I really want to do is cry and hide a hole where no one will find me.

Truth Saturday

Sometimes I don't like the way I act.

Coming to the age of 23 this year, I often find myself in situations where my feelings go against my values. As in, I know I am not supposed to act in such a way in a situation but I can't help displaying immaturity (Eeek!). It's almost like another person inside of me whom I don't like.

The funny thing is, I am conscious about what's going on. About the way I act and know that it's not right to act that way while I am acting it. And sometimes, I don't know how to not feel that way.

I admit, sometimes I allow myself to dwell on it. It feels good for a while, and I will regret it like crazy later.

My question is, how do you put on a smiley face when you don't feel like it? How do you face up to people you don't like and act like you're still buddies with them? How to not feel the way you feel and feel the way you should feel?

Is it just me being an ENFP or it's something I am ought to change because I am an ENFP?

Oh God, teach me how to act more and more like Jesus everyday.

Awww

I LOVE ALYSSA KOH. :) :) :)

Growing Up

How do I display maturity in tough situations, when things seem to be unfair, hurtful and heartbreaking?

I am going to turn 23 and I still can't seem to get it right.

Messed Up

I needed to cry.

Jesus, hold me now.

Still

I have to learn to keep my mouth shut.

I'm a Weird Girl.

I think I am, at least.

I'm one of those weird girls who reads the news, gets exited assembling/fixing a computer problem, prefers t-shirts and jeans than to skirts and dresses, talk technical when it comes to photography and desires to travel to third-world countries to learn new cultures and for ministry. I don't club nor mix around in that circle and live a wild, partying life.

Have you met any other girl like me? Well, I haven't.

Some girls have so much confidence in them they can put on whatever they want and look stunning. They don't keep abreast with the happenings in the political arena nor they know how to handle a computer breakdown but they don't care as much. They don't necessarily like photography now knows how to use a camera but they look beautiful in photos.

They change boyfriends like changing clothes, and I wonder why am I still single.

It seems childish to think like that. I admit, it is undeniably childish and I don't know why I am entertaining these thoughts.

I am praying tonight, that I know deep in me that he made me different because there is a reason and a purpose and a call for who I am about. I should accept that in a great way in God and believe for the fruitfulness that comes. Let me be weird, at least I am I rooted in Christ and have my identity anchored and found in Him and Him alone.

Gonna go sleep it off now. Good night.

Only in Malaysia

As a driver, I am very turned-off by the mannerism of some other drivers.
And today, I shall show you some "Malaysian hospitality".


Not parking within the box.


One car occupying 2 lots. Nice


I'm so sorry, I couldn't resist. I am so mad la.

Legacy

My father is my earliest teacher in photography. The first time I ever handled a camera was when I was 9. It was a school event and I told him how much I wanted to use his SLR to shoot like how he always does.

Well, he let me use his SLR alright, just not the one I wanted. He handed me a fully manual Pentax Asahi Spotmatic 1964 and a roll of film.

After a crash course of manual focusing on a prime lens and setting the correct exposure, my first shoot was a complete disaster. But I had fun.

At 11 I requested again to use his camera for a party in school. He had allowed me to use his expensive camera, only this time I damaged it. He did not scold me, instead he showed me the correct ways of handling a camera ever so patiently.

I got my first camera at 12. A very simple Nikon, where everything is automatic. Everytime when dad got the photos I've shot back home from the photo developing shop, he would make me sit down and go through the photos with me. Correcting the way I compose my shots.

"You must always focus on your subject."
"If you want a good picture, go closer."
"Turn the camera up if you want to take photos of people."
"What is all this unwanted empty space?"
"Be careful of back-lighting. Must use flash."
"It is very expensive to develop photos. So make sure every shot is a good shot."

I dread those times sitting at the dinning table with him.

Today I own a Digital SLR with functions that never existed during my dad's time. Dad finds it hard to use my Canon 400D. He gave up and retreated to using a Point-and-Shoot Nikon. As he now occasionally still asks to see the photos I took from every mission trip I went, I'll never forget my dad was the first one who shaped me into composing a good photo.

When asked why dad was into photography, he simply said, "Someone needs to be the one who would take photos of loved ones. Or else when they are gone, the next generation will not remember or know their faces." Dad was referring to my late paternal grandmother. "Your granduncle was the same." He added. My granduncle was a photography-enthusiast in his living days, too.

"Looks like now it's your turn."

It's a good legacy. I think I will want to pass this down to my children in the future. Photoshoots for business and all that... well, that's very secondary to my love for photography. ;)

Finally Feeling It

Reality is sinking in, ruthless and cruel. I've done all I can, but the facts and figures spoke for themselves.

Still I trust in Your unfailing love. You have been good to me.

If I Could Change One Thing in My Past...

Have you ever come across that question?

I gave it a good thought tonight, as I am not able to sleep and the time is 3am. Quiet nights give me a clear head, sometimes.

Is there anything to change? Let's examine my past first.

One of the most significant events in the past happened in Form 4 and 5. The things that happened in that 2 years have really altered a lot of things today.

I was going through a weird time, stuck between being a teenager and wanting to have freedom like an adult would have. Having to face up with the SPM exams while teachers are working very hard to prepare the students, I appeared to be least interested in a class filled with elite students. Always failing my papers and getting myself into a lot of trouble with my parents.

The kind of trouble I was in doesn't just involve my studies. I was at a all-time-low spiritually with God. Got into situations that compromised moral standards and Godly values, I was in the gutter, quite literally.

But God was faithful. He still is. It was that time I cried out to Him. Like, literally CRIED. And He was faithful and gracious. I know He was the only who can save me.

The things that I've gone through that time shaped me to be who I am today, positively. I used to think and say that I stopped "growing up" since 16. Now looking back as a 22-year-old, I was wrong. He made me go through it for a reason, and coming out of it victorious sure marks a milestone and a story to tell of His goodness and faithfulness.

If He hadn't allow all that, I will have NOTHING to glorify God with.

Back to that question- "If you could change one thing in your past, what would it be?"

I'd say confidently,full of conviction. "Nothing."